8/18/2010

教我如何不擔心!

這篇blog我已寫了數天,不敢與朋友家人分享,只可在家與丈夫哭。不敢與朋友家人分享因不想他們再為我BB事情再hurt。當然他們真的關心我倆。

內心感泠 & it's sinking deep down,身邊朋友家人無人有多次小產經歷,亦有不少朋友自然生到仔女......我怕他們不明,怕他們說我倆「係都要生」(which I really encountered ppl said that),怕他們安撫我變成更hurt我 (5次小產後,我太懂要說什麼才能安撫到受傷者)......在家看其他同經歷人的blog令自己覺得gosh! I'm not alone.....can someone understand how I feel now?!

今天收到一位中學同學電話,她有著我的經歷,「同是天崖淪落人」,傾完電話大哭一場,哭是因為:3年啦!3年懷孕5次,無一次成功,無一次唔hurt!今天,我終於找到someone who "hear" me & 感受到我的痛!(so thank you so much J.L.)

我的中學同學說 no shame in sharing this kind of experience, it's just there's no friend around us would like to hear that...cos' either they don't think they would ever have the same experience OR they naturally & smoothly can have kids....so what's it gonna do with me?!.....所以我決定與blogger分享我的感受,我希望我的 blog也可幫到有需要的人吧!

 ****************************************This is what I wrote last week

26/7/2010:教我如何不擔心!
知道自己又有咗,我和老公唔敢高興、唔敢擔心、唔敢希望、亦唔敢失望,點解?因這是我第5欠懷孕了!之前小產了4次,叫我倆如何沒有這複習感覺呢?!唔敢高興是怕又失敗,唔敢擔心是怕擔心令bb生長唔好,唔敢希望是怕又再傷心多一次,唔敢失望是我和老公真的想要bb.....

我諗現在心情只有小產過又仲未有小朋友的人才明白.....那些「雨過天清」或未嘗小產的人,只叫你放鬆心情吧,唔洗擔心,blah blah blah.....那些人只是「講吓」,他們巳忘記什麼是傷心,又或他們根本不理解。當然那些順利的孕婦/媽媽,更加唔明,我亦遇過一些這類人,講些說話「開解」你,其實「晒命」,又其實惜機埋怨湊仔辛苦,她們以為講一些「辛酸」令我覺得「二人世界」比「生兒育女」好 (其實這人不是誰,正正是我老公家人,你話我幾 hurt)........其實這類說話令我更更更更更更難受.....我只會覺得:「我真不幸」.......

當然,我亦有很多good listener的好友,他們不是紛紛俾意見,而是一句說話 and 默默支持....一個SMS,一個幾句email,一個問候........is this much more powerful?

5 stages of grief....I guess some people heard of "5 stages of grief"...when someone encounters major trama or lost.....these are the 5 stages they experienced....me & my husband had been these stages for 4 god damn times.....stages are...sad, unacceptance, question god & life, anger and finally acceptance。各人情況不同,不一定一個stage跟另一個stage....你話當一個女人小產咗4次,唔知咩係「放鬆心情吧,唔洗擔心」咩!? What I am feeling now is complicated.......有無人同我有這般經歷,blog me起碼俾我知道 I am not alone!

12/8 跟住幾天卧床休息,上網,睇碟
5week5days又再流血,Dr.Patrick Chan 話超聲波見唔到bb心跳,又話孕囊塌緊,叫我等一星期!上網抄過,知道有時8w才見到bb心跳.....連我睇開的中醫岑醫師都話5w見唔到bb心不是問題,孕囊唔靚就驚啲!這幾天只卧床,吃岑祥庚醫師中藥(安胎藥),血流咗兩日停咗,安心少少,但直到星期二再照超聲波先知我今次成功定失敗!呢種等比死更難受!

17/8 第5次小產
再照超聲波.....BB無了,孕囊也流走了!我和丈夫在火車上默默流淚,感覺「it's not real」但又要接受現實,太難受,難受是見到丈夫哭,我難受他難過,他難受我難過!

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